The Notes of My Reflection.

It can only hurt till the nerves are severed. I learned this through life experiences and bike accidents. So the year is to finish in a few weeks and it is time to reveal what stands behind this blog turned to book. It's time to reveal who "she" is in each story. A time of reflection has gone on in my life and I have felt the healing in the past few months of a death that has made a tremendous mark on me and that has changed the person I was two tears ago to the person I am now. This excerpt will be the last of Dead Battery. There will be a new blog to start with a completely different feel.

So this blog started out just as a story. But it turned out to be the healing within me. I have turned this blog into a book with the photos attached. My eyes have been open and some parts of me that turned black and died when my mother passed have been reawaken. This is highly personal to share but if you have read this blog then you deserve some answers. I am the person who stands behind the "she" in Dead Battery. There are a few excerpts that revolve around some very close friends whose names I will not reveal but most of the blog is about me and the pain that I have felt and the pain that others have given me through out time.

I may sound like a very sad person but in reality I am not. To write these stories I had to reach into a very dark place inside me. We all have that spot but we use it differently. I have used it to compose stories to help you visual and see the stories as they unveil. I have been writing this blog for over a year now starting with a photo I took the week my mother passed. That was the day the sun went out and when friends scattered because they didn't know how to deal with me during this time. That is fine because it has helped me help myself. I have come so far and I have had battles through out my life. But that was one of the biggest to overcome. I am not fully over it and I will never be but at least now I feel like I can breathe and conquer some anxieties that have developed over the years.

I am looking forward and not to the past for answers at this point. I am going to be in this city for another year or so and I am tired of hating it here. I have made this place into a torture chamber for myself with the help of some others but that is to change. There was a point when I was all over the place and out all the time but when the "sun" went out it made me take a cold hard look at people here and my friends and you don't see me all over the place anymore because there are certain things I wish not to be involved in. I am not passing judgements on others. To each his own. I just rather be involved with and around more positive things and people. I have learned that others will keep you down to make themselves and their lives feel more fulfilled and thats fine for them but not me. I tend to ramble when I write so deal with it.

What I am trying to do with myself is create a healthy pattern of events and things and if you are awesome then you will be a part of my life and if not see ya later I don't have the time for that shit. I think I was getting a clue from someone above. Maybe my mom or dad but the picture is now clear and this is def not a place for me. I am not saying everyone is the worst there but still not my element or class of people I really chose to be around. I can't rationalize being around there anymore. When people tend to stomp on you they stomp so hard that you either give in and become as them or you still remain and leave with your held high because you haven't succomb to their tortures. I win in the end run because I am coming out stronger and I will be working with kids and that makes me very happy and nervous at the same time. I will still be working in the bar on the weekends but it will not be permeant.

I am starting a new life in the next year and it will be filled with the printing of my book, a new job as a nanny, trips out of this city, getting together grants for school, and starting a new adventure in the fall. I will be finishing up school. Then who knows from there. I am looking forward to 2011. I am leaving the crap in 2010 and having bright eyes for what is to come next in my life. I know I am not going to be happy all the time and that comes with life and its awesome to know that I can finally deal with that. No one can fully understand with the exception of a few the struggles I have been through and that writing this and ending this blog on a happy note is a huge acheivement for me. And to you all, you know who you are; I like to say thank you for the support and positivity. I know I did a lot of this myself but you have had a good hand on me moving forward in my life.

I am no longer a dead battery and I finally see how strong I actually am. I am turning into one of the strongest people I know and I love it. I am signing off from here. Thank you for reading. Now stop being sooo fucking nosy and go do something. Stop sitting around waiting for life to happen and just make it yours.

One last thing.... SUCK IT!!!!

xoxo,

Liz

Homecoming.

She used to be bigger then this. So many things questioning her wills. Trying to figure out where this road is leading. Running and running the path was dark but the sun has risen. Every time the sun rises there is a force trying to shoot out the sun. She runs and stops on site. She has reached a fork in the road. She doesn't know what's worth fighting for.

Cheaters, liars. Memories consume.

Taking a breath. Figuring how much of her will be tested if she decides to go east or west bound. No more options left. The battles chose her. Her courage has risen but they are there to beat her down with the hatchet held by the strength of Zeus. She see her reflection in the silver shinny blade. Somethings become clear at that moment. She must rise with the strength and courage to start the blaze that is to arise. The next to see their shadow is the one that is to really test her.

Instigation.

Playing with the strings she has let them all hold. Breaking the habit. She sits in concentration trying to catch her breath again. Its inside her but can she find it at this point. She's the one at fault.

Bridging the gap. Should she let another fight her battle? Open wounds that clotted only to be reopen again. She lets them get the best of her and let's it go in silence. But her silence is dead. Screaming the character of a thousand men. She may not be invincible and she sees and has seen this about herself. She succumbed to the pain for years but now she is to drop the gavel on them. Its her time to judge. Her options are becoming seamless at this point. So the instigation is to begin and it begins with him, her, and them. She is not the one at fault.

Screaming on the edge of extinction.

But her revenge will taste as sweet as a summer peach. She reminisces about childhood and the battles she has won. She will not assume the position. Why should this time be any different?

A Moment of...

You are you're own spoken word as she is hers. You leave her as quick as the marks you laid upon her fade away. How time sorts things. Suffice to say go to hell but she can't. You have awoken something in her and she tries to turn her eyes away. A beast by nature and an escapist by nurture. She always knew it was going to be like this.

Heart worn on her sleeve and the more she exposes the more she is tormented. They always get what they want but she never receives what she is deserved. She imagines all the things in life that never were and what could be.

Living in and out of cycles of a fairy tale. When what she wants is there she cowers away to the next. She remains her worst enemy. They never know the real her only the outer shell of what they perceive is her.

Manifest Destiny.

She would never rewind time. Never ashamed of what she has done. She lives her life on the outer banks and takes a quick step in and out of the circle.

Stand Alone and Fight the Demon.

Reflections are as close as the mirror in front of her. Where is your reflection?

Not Ready...

An emotional vampire and she is the vixen to pray on him. But yet he runs. In the end she is left with herself.

Rewind the time; the symphony plays..

Onto the next, then next...

When will this sonnet end?

The Enemy at the Gates.

Running reds so deep the curtains have hit the floor. it breaks a piece of her every time. she knew not to get too close at first glance of those eyes that shocked her insides. now she is left with the bank bag and the sirens are nearing. She can taste the blood from her stained hands. She pulled her heart before you could get to it. Swimming in a sea of what was and you still managed to make a mark in her life. the ropes around your hands.

She is fighting the tears and can't find the way. Where she remains is not where she belongs. Almost made a notch in some spot and it was comfortable for a second. But the ashes blew away and he blew out the door with them. Her guts speak the truth. The last kiss was a good bye disguised by your willing eyes. she waits for him to prove her wrong. she warranted this herself. She kept her stare into his eyes. and he played his game right and got what he needed. She didn't know how to walk in the right direction and took the leap again only to hit the hard surface heart first. She believes in something invisible. Its like candy land in her heart but she always loses. These sheets tell regret.

The pain inspires her. She breaks her heart every time to create an amazing story but how much can she take before she breaks? She needs an umbrella for her tears. The river runs wild from her eyes. She can't take out the dagger. But it pushes deeper every time the river runs. She may be too real for people here. Or maybe the people here are not real with themselves. She takes the pain of a thousand spades only to look and see the card of the fool. Nice hand but she just crapped out. Stoned into the neon lights as they blink on and off. Missing letter. Missing colors. Never complete enough but clear enough to find the rest room at the truck stop.

She can't feel at all. She has faith in no one. She's turning the light off in her heart. Saying hello to selfishness at this point because she is the only one to be there at the gates to meet herself.

In The In Between...

Now she is lost but the rain has cleared from her eyes and she sees you for what you are. How ridiculous to think you are important to anyone. Who cares in the first place? She did for a second but her pain won't let you tarnish her name. A man in one respect and a Lil boy in the other. Past, present, and future tense. Glimpse of nothing. The four corners are met at the fiery gates. Here is where she judges you.

This station is now just static. Turn to the next is more static. Look through the tube. The snow is still there. Dancing down funeral lane. She abused herself. Keeps running to nothing. Hitting a wall.

Caps lock.

Its raining so hard. Stuck in her head. Tables turn and you're no good. Now you are stuck there as a shadow, a ghost. Sustain the will that she has to the gamble of what is you and your love. but not your love for her but your love for yourself.

Cold stares.

She abandoned herself in her time of need to pull the other from the high tides. And what she is left with is an empty hand. A shadow, a ghost, a shell of what once was. The insides are cold and pale. The gazebo is her shelter; her shelter from the pain. The pain of her life and the grievances she did complete. The shadows dance in the day and into the night. They are all around us but it is for him to see what he actually can't see or where he chooses to hide what he does actually feel. This place is not one place but it is also not the other place.

His memories remain...

But you can't go back. Take the hand that preys on you and drop it and let gravity take its course. A spiritual awakening. The gospels have been prepared. If it is in a name you will see it on the other side. All signs point in no direction. The candle still burns and when its time for its descent she is there to reignite the light in her own perfect world.

Inner peace is met..

As this may seem like a speech it is somewhat in tune in your life, in his, hers, theirs, and ours. Maybe she will shed the cast. The mold as of what she has created here.

Solace.

Crossfire.

Dancing with the devil.

But you are not Daniel Webster.

You know who you are and someday you will be revealed but not just to the masses. But to yourself. Till then she will hide the tears and happiness of what you have given and left her with behind her eyes.

From the Front Lines..

The flame ignites just as fast as it burns out with her. Haunting images of that photo book still sit in a locked box. Why she holds on is even a mystery to herself. At this point she is too tired for hate but too awake to give in. The noose is tied tight and she is bound but not gagged. She still has a voice and sight. You play hair dresser with her. Massage her brain enough to relax as she almost slips through the cracks. Let go of the entity that does not exist. Nothing can ever be so secure. Her life has been a test of wills. Its amazing how high she holds her head up. Shattered walls and it is you that keeps her from crossing the paths with another without thinking of you. She extends the branch but you take the whole tree and suck the sap from its limbs till it withers away but with one bright leaf shining. The flame that is her existence refuses to burn out. Even if it turns just to a gas you are there to ignite the flame. Why?

Sleepers. You don't invade her cycle anymore so maybe your hold on her isn't as strong anymore. Are you listening? If you were face to face I don't think she would run but would she coward herself to silence? Runs red flows eastward down a cavern pit made for one. At least it once was. Dreams vast beyond a Freudian slip. Sneak attack and struggle is now lost. What once was can not be forgotten.

Dispute.

Dissipate..

Deliverance...

The relentless cycle repeats. You turn up out of nowhere. Like a mole in a hole. Cute from a distance by rabid at chose touch. Never in her vicinity. Does he speak the truth?

Destroyed.

Despair.

Infrared.

Her retina burns but her sight just won't relinquish itself. She looks away for now but his web will tangle her until she is caught and can't move. Does a lost shoe make a noise once it hits the ground running? I have been thinking about.....

Code Orange.

The ghost has returned. The ship has surfaced and only one body is left to identify. Somewhere in the dreams. Living for keeps. He keeps her soul. Knowing he drives her senses and somewhat her being. He resurfaces through a picture. A friendly jester. He plays his game tactfully. She waits. Anticipating. Closed mouth. Loss of breath. Desperation. Will he arrive? The day remains calm and beautiful. A mid October day. The sun touches her skin as the light dances off her tan skin. She stands. Waits. The people are circling around her in a fast forward mode but she still stands, realizing its not a movie. She's drawing flies at this point.

The chill has entered the air. It may have been a spring day but the fall night reaches into her skin and hits her bones. The night has become her enemy. She reaches a dark place and every night she drags herself out of the mind shaft she jumps into. He always goes when the wind blows.

You're a terrible combination.

She will reveal herself one day. And the mystery of what she writes. She reverts back to her childhood. The day her new dolly arrives. Such a pretty doll with long pretty blonde hair. A disturbed and lonely kid worrying about the wrongs things at such an early age. She always started with the hair. Cutting strand by strand. Like a knife through her heart you ride the crimson wave of her arteries and you knocked down her valves.

Heart Attack! Contraction!

Cornered by her own thoughts.

She folded. She wonders if you are even real and why you consume her thoughts.

Feeding off her life a tick. His head grows bigger and bigger. She is infected and it will pain her to the bone. She feels like the scab will never heal. Maybe if he let go she could turn the page but till then he will bounced from paper to her screen and through her heart. How does one fend off such a strong power surge when the lights have been turned off.

Electric shock. Break her fall.

A hazardous materials incident has occured. Magnitude unknown. Ticking Clock. Stealing time.

Good Bye.....

Turn Of The Key.

Her insides are screeching and crying. He holds the key to her heart and she won't let anyone else in till she receives her keys back. This can't be too healthy for her. Can't he see he's her delight. Her outsides try and shine but somehow she can't hold up her head anymore and the tears must come out somehow. The rain isn't helping her cause. Its like someone or more then someone above knows she needs to get it out. She has tormented others while her key is m.i.a. As she confesses to him how she feels, she wonders what the response will be. If any. She is scared of sooo much but for some reason not of him. She let him in and no one else after that. She still waits on a response. She fears in her heart that talking has subsided for the evening or for a while after this evening. It has always been him but he turns the radio off when she lets out her faithful song that turns to cry when she is in the shadows of her room.

So the silence begins. As she suspected. How do you forget someone who has penetrated your forcefield? That makes you weak in the knees? That has made the days he spent with her the best she's had in a while? The funniest days she's needed? That are all gone. Trying to reclaim what is left of herself. It hurts her and maybe he will never understand that.

He abides by one and that is himself.

Now she must do what she needs to do because maybe she wasn't the one and just walked in the room at the right time when he needed someone there. And maybe there is already someone there in his head that has pushed her out of the way but why will he not let her know.

Trap set.

And the mouse has been caught.

You blow her mind.

But she could never let him know that.

He just isn't ready..........

She signs off from here...

Off to break hearts and ruin lives..

Such a shame that others have to pay for his mistakes..

Step Down.

This photo isn't completely finished but I still like it. Enjoy.

Check Mate.

New direction opposed but have to take the stand in acceptance. Its hard going to the hollow place inside you. Sometimes she thinks its the negativity that drives her but she was quick to learn its what makes her run. She's running out of options of where to hide and is frightened. No salvation. Accept the change to come that she is creating. She should be happy because she is sticking up for herself and making waves. Its so cold and lonely on this edge and can't wait for the bridge to gap. She wonders if she can make the jump. Striding through life with what is comfortable and safe. This has ruined her strength and soul. The waves are high. Will she abide and or drawn this time. The crying inside her is so hard that it is beginning to seep out of every pore on her body. Help is never something she could ask for but she can't hold herself afloat now. Or at least she thinks...

The ink that has stained her hands is smudging the faces of who has harmed and shamed her. Guard has been down for sometime and every noise penetrates her veins. Please don't let her drown...

Time to follow the light no matter how scary and how low it brings her. The steps are numerous and the hallway is becoming narrow. Wolves in sheep's clothing but she refuses the cry of the wolf. Is anybody there? The sounds multiply. Echoes everywhere and she winds up in the forest again. The mad hatter is gone and its her voyage now. Running and running. the cold sweats come on.. Fallacy. Trapped in her head who will lead her out. The game goes on as life renews everyday. Running and running but she can't pay the toll. Knife in hand. Blindfold on her eyes. Going in one step at a time. The fork in the road is narrow. No body is home. She falls down the hole and the spiral is heavy and thick. The sweat turns to the river and she quickly wakes up in what seems to be her bed.

Mirror image on the outside in. Time to see what she has created and what she is needed to change. Temptation is a will of the past she gets it now. Running again in what is a reverse world. She hits the ground hard. Its no longer cold and the seasons had changed. She is finally awake. And for once is is taking it day by day. The ball bounces but she will not follow the red balloon. She carries the dagger now and she is taking no prisoners this time. She owes nothing to no body and finally is getting comfortable with that. The accusations will not lay heavy anymore. Her life is hers and the path she chooses is her own. The only to get hurt on her journey is the ones that try to negate her progress for their own selfish reasons.

Chutes and ladders. Only to be a kid again. Remembering the summer breeze and chasing the fire flies. The air smells so good in this happy place. But its only a place to escape in her head. A place to relax but she can't visit for too long this time. Back on the trail the drums are banging. So much temptation upon her but her will will not be weakened. Oppose the neutral and dance with the danger. She is not playing the fools game anymore.

Found playing cards on the street but she will not see the joker card this time. Its the Queen of diamonds and its to lead her as a silent partner on her voyage.

Her face lays on the card. She is her destination.

The winds change directions and soon she will be carried afloat..

No longer banishing the will that is hers. The knight calls the king.

Check mate.

Life Remains Cold.

In the face of shame you take the stage. You make her want to sever her skin. Watch the blood trickle down her arm and slowly down her index finger. Wipe the tears from her eyes. How much more can she grasp for? Totally alone. She keeps you alive in her head. Others come and go but can never get as close as the dark knight once did and is still living there. A love that never dies.. Distraction plays its role. She tries to push the rest of her tears out. It is like waiting for a rain drop in a drought. She is all cried out but why won't she let you go?

Maybe its not you at all. You have awaken something inside her and now she won't bow down to any caller. Bobbing and weaving through everyone hoping what she is looking for is out there. The cards lay as they will and there is no end in her future. Who's skin will she fit into. Whispers in the rain. Lonely and abandoned.

Her heart remains empty but she is suffocating with the way she is living. Every day is a time trial. Hopefully she can hold her head high enough till March. She can't be a hole that is filled. It has never been a role she decently plays. She is never good enough for what is here but at the same time she doesn't want to give up her virtues. The road remains with barriers. Life is revolving all around and hopefully she can jump right in.

New Beginning.

Story Time.

Once upon a time..

Stand Alone.

Rem Cycle.

Cracked.

Ghost key. She still wonders about you. Their shadows dance in the dark but in the light of day it could never be. Dream state. Narration. His hands are filled and you seemed to have slipped out. The trail of blood leads from nowhere. Will he ever turn around to follow the trail or follow his heart? His premonitions may be deceiving but they may lead him to the light. Still holding on to her last breath. Afraid to let it go because if she does she lets him go. Hay wire. Tug of war with her heart and her head. You were a chance to take and you left again. The trust she laid out was like a pillow. If he ever were to fall, there would be no destruction. But, you never laid the pillow out for her. Broken down again. Its almost over.

You spoke you lines. Your monologue was perfect and she never saw through it. When you cry a piece of my heart dies. But this was just a fallacy. Its curtain call and you are nowhere to be found. Up on the ledge again. She sends kisses. Temptation almost drove her but she planted her feet firmly onto the ground and into you. But the smoke screen lifted and she was alone in the room. All she has to go by are half truths. She never believes. She goes by her own judgements. Mathematical equations that were never grammatically correct.

You subtracted her from you very existence like you never existed. But she is forging on. Cheers to a better day. You still dance and swim around in her head. She wonders if you will ever leave. The swinging door will slam but for now keep your shadows in the dark because that is where she finds comfort in you.

Through the precious amount of pain you brought into her heart you have opened a new thought process and maybe that's why you were there. Maybe your involvement was like the climax to a new beginning for her. No more suffocation from you. On a chilly spring day you can find her thinking about him. And when you she her look through you and over you just know when she is looking into the horizon she is thinking about him. A vast moment but let her be.

He hasn't broken her.

Maybe just a crack in the porcelain..

Ties That Bind.

This is the day she walks away. This is the day you turn around and see your mistake. She's been waiting for this day. She thought she was there right with you. But only part of her was. You have her heart gripped in your hands. Ripping it apart ventricle by ventricle. A twist of the tongue. She wishes you just kept everything up inside of you. The more you're a ghost the more she is upset. The sinking feeling in her chest is lying so deep now. Like there is an indentation in her chest. You are pulling her soul away while she is trying to grasp on for air and life. Why are you doing this to her? So many lies all from the start. What were you trying to gain from taking her heart inside your hands? So many questions that will not be answered. You cower away like a frightened dog with his tail between his legs.

Break the ties that bind. You wouldn't let her do it so now is your day in May take charge and just pull the rest of the pieces from her heart so she can pick it up and start with her head high again. So ashamed to let you in. You will never understand what you have meant to her in such a short period of time. You fed from her veins but spit the blood back in her face. She hopes this makes you happy down the road. You have ruined two things. One which is a friendship that will never withstand this. The other thing you ruined is her belief in you. If she has been what you have been looking for why have you thrown her overboard only to hold her head in the water to drawn.

It hurts her so much and you don't even care what it is doing to her. Some days she is okay and others she just wishes for your voice to grace its presence upon her but you will not let it. The chains are heavy please remove them at this point. Break the ties that bind. Lost in a forest and the truth is hidden in the quicksand that appears as she is running for you, toward you, and now away from you. Her realization is the forest is where you left her and she is just running over the leaves and shrubby in her head at this point. You where never there and you never really cared. You took your vengeance out on the wrong person. The clock arms spin and spin. Days have gone by and she doesn't remember your breath at this point. Who are you?

Grinding halt. Withdrawn your name from the race. Last place was never a spot you ever endeavored so you left her at the last mile marker and took off for the run of your life to win the race. So her guess is that race was for another. who is at the finish line. She would never let you slip away but you let her. The wood you left her on in the water has holes in it and its sinking. When she takes her last breath of life it won't be you resuscitating her. She just may be waking up from a horrible dream state to learn you never even existed and at some points she wished you didn't. Don't look the shadows breath and they are telling her that her appendages much detach for her to become whole again so maybe you did her a favor.

Fallen. Dreams the same. Fall and fight and flight.

Ties

That

Break

the

Binds.

Dead Battery.

Held breath. Holding onto a feeling. Hide and seek. Every noise your phone makes you are holding onto a fascination, a fictional story, but nothing is on the other end. Holding the sinking feeling inside you, hoping it is the one you want to be on the other end. It is never who you expect. How long should you keep holding on? He gives you enough to keep you in motion but it all ceases fire in the end. You won't catch him around here. Maybe he received the prize he wanted. She wonders what she is supposed to learn and take in from this torturous game. Speak no feeling. You don't care a bit.

Sweet darkness. She continues the story on her own. Wondering if you were ever real or just some creation in her head lead to pass time and space. Struggle to memorize your face and smell at this point. You don't have the time. Makes her wonder. She doesn't believe in you anymore. But something keeps her holding on and she can't figure out what keeps you bouncing around in her head. One day she will awake and it won't hurt anymore. A game of hop scotch played alone. She lands on five. Will month five be when she finally stops holding on. A game of tarot may say she has found love in another but its not in you. She serenades herself in this game. Turned your back and left her lonely. What is the game you are playing with her heart. She feels like its a crime to have a feeling for him. He gives enough just to steal more of her heart and hope that one day he will appear, unannounced and sweep her away. But I guess that's why they call them daydreams. they are not real.

2005 April 11th was a message that was delivered in 2010. What for? What were you trying to create her just to destroy another. Maybe it was real at some point in time. The anchor can only hold her for so long and then what? The guilt lays heavy on her when she is near another even if she hasn't embraced in touch she feels her stomach fill with butterflies that were once for you. Now she is left chasing a feeling she received from you in another, then another, and maybe another but it will not suffice. Brother got this complex occupation. One would say he sold his soul to the devil but maybe he sold his soul to find himself and she understands that. But what is the lesson to be learned here?

Will the answers ever come to her. The confusion lays in herself alone. Nothing is real on the other end. It feels like one lie after another. The rain pours heavy on her window and like a river down her rosy cheeks. Eyes so puffed up one may mistaken her for sleepless nights. Not trying to run your life but she wants you to do what's right.

Her heart is somewhere in your hands and maybe its time to put it in the locker in the train station. Send her the key for the locker and she can relinquish her belongings at this point.

....Dead Battery....

Innocence Makes The Heart grow Fonder.

Scam Artist. Abandoned on your day of reckoning. Lost and lonely not a new feeling for her. The law abides at its will. Spinning and drowning when will the hand rise and when will she take the help of another? Its greener on the other side; or so they may say... A consensus of a thousand screams. The fear and terror gets louder everyday. Now who is to hide? The maze continues but when will she find her way out. Lost and lonely as the child plays alone. In her party dress and ready for her dance. Amazed and shaken. So happy for this day. Her hair is perfect. Pictures in the grass with family and friends. She is growing up. But this is all a dream because this day has never happened.

Living in a dream, a movie sequence. She wants the happy ending. The fairy tale and wants it so bad she can taste it but it may never happen. She gets so close but is confused by a feeling, a mere moment of lust. It has taken her far but not far enough. The thrill wears off and she is left where she started at the beginning of the maze again. It gets harder and harder to not keep starting at the beginning and somewhat nerve wrecking. she may never know what she wants but she knows its not here. Maybe a guide should fill the space and time to send her and point her where she needs and should be because she may never know.

One more try. Here we go again. The ball keeps bouncing and she is running. It is in her sights. So red and luminous but not in her grasp. This mirror reflects more then you see. Its a showcase of.. Its so plain to see. But holding back has always been her enemy in life, in sport, in everything. ideals are a conflict. The tightest noose is the one you tie yourself. She is running out of rope at this point...

Living with these broken memories...

Dying at the cause of another. Creating the wrong reality and finding the beginning of something new.

Broken memories...

Final call.

Last train boards at 2. Will you be on it. I can already answer for her. And it is no. Not until she can give up the ghost and move onto the next train. If there is another.....

Skipping A Rock..

Grasping onto something you that you can't see that is only a phone call. What's the point. Blank statement in the face. She wonders why she should miss something that hardly exist. Does a call constitute as a commitment? Or what is it? She may be over it. And may have moved on to another challenge. Carpe Diem. One life. You know how the statement goes. So what is the point. In her reality she is without partner only to commit the crimes by herself. Her sidekick is not human will always remain so. The only one to tell secrets to that will never let it slip out.

Trying so hard to be loyal but her feeling are fading and moving onto another conquest that she can feel, see, and laugh with. Saddened by this she tries to forge those feelings to the side but sometimes they are so overwhelming like the hardest rainfall you have ever been caught in on your bike. So what choice does she make? Wasting her time in the waiting line while more time passes. Keeping herself away from different activities because if one makes her laugh a lot she is immediately smitten. It may be over. So now what? Can she keep being sad or just move on. She has the best way to figure it out and that is by forgetting and eventually the feelings fade away like the fire that is shrunken to nothing by water. Like the tears she holds in because there is something there between the two of them but it doesn't seem real enough anymore.

She will finally ask this person soon enough and hopefully she will receive the real answer to her questions. This is how she feels at the moment. Pulled in one direction and then the other. What to do? It feels like a game she is playing alone. Solitaire. Confinement. All she wants to do is break out with him but she can't because something inside her tells her its not there. Maybe with her but not with him. and this is how she feels in her heart. She jumps in head first and along with him. But she can't see him in the deep or even the shallow waters anymore. Are you on the dock waiting for her return and when she returns from the shallow waters are you really going to be there on dock side or have you already left? Maybe she should let go of what she is feeling and has felt. Maybe it was only real for the time it needed to be. Her insides are screaming because his person could be the best and worst person all at the same time. Wondering what you are thinking when she talks to you. If she could just have one second of honesty and maybe to see the whites of your eyes to watch the colors fade to red to see the real truth and not just the voice that can cover up anything. The eyes tell all and maybe that is what she is waiting for to see the truth that lies in your eyes.

She has started to forget about you during the day only to escape the feelings of wanting and needing. So is the big move really happening or have you gone back to start and is the game over? There isn't a secret code to have forty lives here. This may be the return of her. Her real self and she maybe more powerful this time. So the questions remains...

What is really is the truth?

Is she holding onto something that is only a friendship at this point?

Or should she just relax and wait patiently for the best gifts that can be bestowed on her? The best gifts of you, your flesh, your voice, your eyes, your soul and total truth of you...

Only time will tell......

But its almost time to turn the hour glass over. the sands are moving fast. So should she holdfast?

A one man ore, will never take you in the right direction at the speed you will like..

What's In A Name....

Break the ties that bind. Everyone is taking everything they can. Pillage. No one else is around. Do you believe in what you see? Your heart will wait for another day..

Slowly falling through space and time. What do you see? Nothing is real. Everyone is saying different things. Will the motion of the boat please stop. Can't hold it in and down anymore. Everyone is taking everything they can. Who will stand in the end? The path has been arranged. There's a magic she can't hold. Esteemed colleges are not so esteemed. Out for one another. A ticking tomb bomb. The star that was in your eyes is now a meteor. Crashing down and hitting hard. The honeysuckle has been gone since spring but the sweet smell has laid its presence upon her all winter. It turns you inside out..

Porcelain is what she is. She has just never recognized it. She falls off and cracks. No glue in site. Too fragile to hold and shatters in your hands. Shards cut your hands and grace us with the beauty of luscious reddish. The apple has been picked. So now what...

No explanation. Doomed to interrogate another. Threaten the course of man. Who are you trying to fool now.

Suffocation

Windows rusted shut. Unbreakable glass. The hammer has fallen and is so heavy to pick up now. Hanging in the closet. Tossing and turning. Negativity fills her trunk. Drowning in pain. Blood rust. When will it end. Suffocation.. How do you break the chains that bind your hands?

One breath. Last night was something but nothing in the same respect. Trying to erase from brain waves. Drowning in something she wants but can't have. Dissection. Where does the road lead to now? We are all someone's karma. Mix the chemicals. Are we our own Karma? Mix the chemicals..

The ties that bind are so heavy they exhaust every breath and step that is taken. Betrayal is something new. Safety in numbers was never her motto. The dance is hers alone. The night is dark and cold. You can see your breath for days. Your blood grows cold. Your veins shrink and for a mere second you see the light of what is to be and you are blinded by the darkness again. Can someone pull the hand from the quicksand? Sinking deeper and deeper. Where does the sand take you? Only in a dream it will take you to other worlds, times, maybe a different chance at life... But there are no what ifs. Reality takes its chains and lashes out on you as hard as she can.

Where do you go when you can run from a chain that is miles long? Take action? Maybe or not. Rock the boat? What will it take.. Bruises, wounds, scars.. The wheels burn.. Slipping away. Creation in her own head. Something is gonna break and where to do go from there? Do you take on what you caused? Imagine. Or just do. Mysteries of tomorrow may be solved today.

Believe in God, believe in yourself, Beyond the light of day the devil dances to a new tune but he is only in your head. Creating your own pain and dragging others through the mud. kindness was never a word in your vocabulary. What screwed you up in the first place? Vanished soul I can see right through you. Transparent. The maze is just the circle you created in your head and you like to drag others in and keep them there as prisoners in your own game, your own pain, but what happens when one finds their way out of the maze. maybe something in the mist lead them out of your maze and gaze. Your strangle hold is no more.

And when all the secrets are out and said and done; will you run from here to there and there to here? The rainbow is not as long as it appears to be. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just the straight jacket you put yourself into in your own head. She will not play your game anymore. Neither will he. Bounce bounce bounce... Damages awarded do not remotely equal the damage that will be caused and that was caused. Recidivism. You will never learn. The history will keep repeating itself. The cell is slowly calling your name so the more you return to what you are the cell will be closer and closer each time.

You will drown yourself and run again. This life was never yours... Suffocation

Catacombs.

Canvas of lies. Baron heart. Tumble weeds and nothing else. Where did you get your grip from? Stolen from another. Leaving a trail and dragging her with you. Play the game. it plays you well. Crossed lines. Her words make you choke. The rain washed the dreams of you away. For only a mere second. She can still feel your presents upon her. It is as heavy as it ever was...

Stretched out. Abandoned sea. Catatonic. Sent adrift and don't know how to come back now. A triangle with no point. Obtuse. The structure is about to collapse and the fall isn't broken by soft ground this time.

And yet, she still keeps herself here... What it is? Your spirit will not leave her. You're torturing her soul. Skipping beats.. Her heart is about to burst and the blood is boiling. Cold front.. Chilled to the bone..

Waiting room. Postal. Its gonna break an edge. Lost symphonies.. If you squeeze it will shatter her. Her heart is always yours. And you know it.. A box of sharp objects.. He says what he means and she knows. She waits in the dark again.. Whispers.. But he is still not there.

Contusion. Confusion. To live another day without you she falls harder and harder... Time has showed her something new... How to build a wall. She thinks she is stronger.

Finally face to face.. Influenza.. The wall was built and everyday she plays the last day in her head and is tortured by being oh so brave and not taking what is hers and what has always been hers. You are her bait. She feeds upon you... The idea of you,,, The touch of you.. Your breath shatters her soul.. The fire is among you.

One kiss is all it ever took.

Monetary Gain...

Stop saying prays.... From self, from your soul, she is the one that has seen the pain that you've been through. Did she stay away too long? Back on the street, the habit, motivate the master of the who, what, where, when, and why. Hop, skip, and jump through the ring of life. Where did you land or are you still in the air? Your embankment was destroyed. Over flow..

Sensation.. How's that ring looking now? Is it still golden? Or has your surface turned green because they will do and sell anything for a buck.

Who's here? Who's there? She hears the roar of thousands of voices. Try to break down her wall. The forcefield can not be destroyed this time. Taste the tears on your cheek. Her heart isn't worn on her sleeve anymore. The wheels keep spinning. This is the life you chose. Not her.

Role call. Did you pack your bags? Shadows keep getting darker and how far are you gonna ride into them. The sun is far behind you now. One foot in the grave, are you gonna take the dive. Smothered by what you think is the worst life. But you forget the things you have. Supply and demand. You can walk, run, shelter yourself... And yet you still walk around with your head down. Battling the voice in your head. This growing up shit is tough.

So on the merry go round. Left back in grade school and your only friends are the ones you created in your head. Five spots are left open and as they fill, your head is about to explode the closer it comes to full occupancy. Cash advance. Pay the rapist to heal your brain. But her words never reach. Constant fog that you will not set adrift....

Waiting for another to throw you the life preserver but how long are you gonna wait for your rescue till your insides turn out. Taking information in one ear and out the other. Is this just the show you are previewing for others? Feature presentation. Watch how the herds react. Embrace the pain you are creating. The spot light is on you once again.. Are you gonna drown in it?

Time to break the waves, don't you think? Maybe losing control would be the best thing for you. To totally let go is a gift if you choose to take it. Graffiti in your brain. Can't camouflage the pain in your brain anymore. I can see it seep out your pores. I see it linger on your face, your sleeve, and your hands. Such a disgusting odor and color coming off your soul.

Exorcism. Heartbeats.. breath is calm.. your life is shorter then you think. Pick it up and push on.. I have given you a paddle now make your way up stream and uptown.

Days pass. Merciful.. Shaking grip.. Your blood runs clear these days. Found you at the bar the other day. The liquor runs free and you have sailed down that sea. Champagne dreams my friend....

Till I see you again..